Can marriage counseling work after the separation?

Second attempt after separation? Start partnership again?

Second attempt after separation? Start partnership again?

Second attempt after separation? Is that going well?

It can be argued that once a separation was made there was certainly good reason for it. Nobody breaks up easily. The step of separation is not an easy matter, especially for the abandoned partner, but not infrequently also for the abandoner. Many phases of separation run through - sometimes even within the relationship - and that means remorse, disappointments and an overall turbulent time.

Even if reason tells us that the separation is or was meaningful, the heart may sometimes not play along. The insight into reason is one thing, feelings are the other. But it can also be the other way around, all external reasons were correct, but the feelings made it impossible to remain in the relationship.

But maybe there was also the nice side with the partner, love happiness, contentment and harmonious times of togetherness. There was a reason they chose each other. Then it was outside influences that slowly but surely led to the separation. But was separation the right and only means of resolving the conflict?

There are also ex-partners who are thinking of entering into a partnership again, even if they usually make it clear that then this or that, mostly everything, has to change: old behavior, conflicting patterns of conflict, housing, family concepts, professional matters, etc. But one thing should be up to you: man or woman just wants to be with one person.

Such a process of reconsidering whether yes or no requires a lot of clarity and a necessary balance between closeness and distance. There is no recipe for how something like this should work. You decide individually. Reasonable thoughts and existing feelings are evaluated. If it fits, say yes.

Advice for couples after separation

In a consultation on the subject of a new beginning, I see myself as an independent moderator of your conversations. We negotiate with each other and discuss whether there is a new beginning. The future couple and I may also look at the history of the separation and old relationship. The question is what led to the separation. This review also includes glimpses into the future. This doesn't exist yet. The question is how it should look. It's about the wishes and future ideas of the two partners.

In addition to exchanging factual arguments, it may be interesting to take a look at the feelings of the two partners. In addition to a story of the content of the two, there is also a story of the feelings. Many couples start out with being in love. Falling in love then becomes love. Finally, feelings of deep connection and friendship also emerge. The question is: what feelings are there between the two and how? From the point of view of the partner, what leads to a good and sufficient feeling? How do you describe your feelings? From the point of view of the two, what level of feeling is required to restart a relationship?

Second attempt after separation? Advice in the test phase

If the two have decided to get closer again step by step, I invite you to further meetings during this test phase. In further couples counseling it is discussed which concrete steps have been taken. What exactly did the partners agree on? What has been tried and implemented? How did that work How did both feel about it?

Further meetings in individual or couple counseling also aim to be a kind of anchor point. Both should definitely have a place here to check and evaluate the development so far. There is also the opportunity to speak openly about resistance and negative assessments. If the partners have agreed on a kind of dating phase for the new beginning, there is an offer of a discussion about this in the counseling sessions. I invite you to look together with me at the partnership, from the outside. We talk to each other about positive and negative development steps.

Second attempt after separation? - Questions to couples

To do this, a couple must ask themselves a lot of questions:

  • How do I let my feelings say yes and my mind too?
  • What must not be repeated, because otherwise it would completely destroy this cautious process of rapprochement?
  • What is the old that should be a thing of the past?
  • How can I be sure it won't repeat itself? Is it possible to change the partner or yourself accordingly?
  • Second attempt after separation ... How quickly do we want to get closer?
  • How did we destroy trust?
  • How did we rebuild trust?
  • What role does the time factor play?
  • How do we organize our meetings until then?
  • What role does it play that we have sexual pleasure or no sexual desire?
  • One wants this, the other that ... How can we withstand tensions in the face of different or contrary wishes or use them sensibly?
  • What are the fears?
  • What are the hopes?
  • What should a possible future relationship look like?
  • How do we deal with setbacks in the test phase and a relapse into old behavior patterns?
  • At what intervals do we want to use a couple counseling session to accompany this process?
  • Assuming we can't restart a second time, how do we deal with it?
  • How do we communicate about our situation with people close to us: children, family, friends, etc.?

Are there reasons to stay apart?

In addition to looking at the current relationship (including concrete negotiation of agreements) and focusing on the possible future relationship, a consistent coming to terms with the past should be considered.

Here is a review. Lost feelings, disappointments and burst dreams may show up as ballast. Can i just forget Can I just skip this?

Ultimately, the question is how to deal with it. What is our assessment here? Is this ballast a reason to stay separate? Or do you take this ballast with you into the new relationship? Or is there a way for you to drop off this baggage and leave it behind? Is there a carefree new beginning? Or a difficult new beginning that is okay for both of you?

What speaks for a new beginning as a couple?

Last but not least, it should be considered what speaks for a new beginning of the couple relationship. What good reasons does the couple, do individual partners have, for a restart of the love relationship and partnership?

Couple counseling in Berlin
Separation counseling in Berlin